Revisions, Revisions, Revisions...To My Favorite Piece I Wrote This Year!

The final paper that I would like to revise/get feedback on is my picture paper. This particular paper was fun to write because I found a picture that would be perfect for a novel cover. It’s a picture of a bicycle with a heart shaped balloon attached to the handlebars. My favorite author Sarah Dessen tends to use distinct pictures for her covers and I thought this one was similar to the cover of her latest novel, Enjoy the Ride. I also incorporated many references to my life. Many of the characters are named after people I know and math is the main character Savannah’s favorite subject (just like me!J) Here are a few things I want feedback on:

1. Could literary elements be added in order to make my story more interesting? – (symbolism, metaphors, etc.)
2. Does the plot make sense?
3. Is Colin’s dominant impression clear?

Here is the paper:

  

I woke up at 6:00 AM. My alarm clock, which was set to a random radio station, played an unfamiliar song as I tried to open my eyes. It was just another reminder that I wasn’t at home. Butterflies began to flutter in my stomach. I would be continuing my sophomore year at a brand new, gigantic high school which had an average class size of eight hundred students. That is about eight times the class size of Eastwood High, my old school. I slowly climbed out of bed and began to get ready for the day.

I really didn’t want to move, but I had no choice. My dad is the CEO of a company that makes packaging for a variety of different foods. In order for him to keep his job, he had to transfer to the Long Island headquarters. It would have been better if we managed to move before the school year started. It’s worse being the newbie more than half way through the year. Cliques have long been established. Who would want to hang out with “the weird new girl?”

“Savannah you’re going to be late if you don’t hurry!” my mom called.

Crap I thought as I rummaged around a huge box of shoes for my tie-dyed converse. My mother was standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me with a granola bar in her hand.

 “I thought you might be hungry” she said as she kissed me on the forehead. “Have a great day! I’m sure you will.”

“Thanks mom,” I shouted as I ran out the back door to the garage to get my bike. It took about three minutes to get to school, which wasn’t bad. I’m used to long bus rides. When I arrived at school, I locked up my bike and headed to the main office to collect any papers that are usually distributed to transfers.

“May I help you?” asked a pretty, petite blonde haired lady.

“Hi I’m Savannah White. I just moved here from a town near St. Louis.”

“Just one second Savannah, I need to gather up your paper work.” As she walked away I noticed a glass dish filled with tootsie rolls on a small table in the corner. I grabbed one and devoured it in seconds. I was starving!

“Okay sweetheart, here’s your schedule and a map in case you have trouble locating any of your rooms. The school code of conduct needs to be signed by you and a parent and returned to me as soon as possible, preferably tomorrow. If you need anything or have any questions don’t be hesitant to ask. Have a great day!”

“Thanks for all the help.” Wow I thought. I can’t believe how friendly the people are here. I quickly glanced down at my schedule to see what I had first period. I jumped for joy when I found out that I had geometry first period. I loved the class I had at the beginning of the year. My teacher made learning fun and I received an A on almost every unit test.

I spoke too soon I thought to myself. I entered the room as a mono-toned teacher was giving a lecture about how a majority of the class missed the six point proof on the quiz. When I looked up at the board, I noticed that they were in a unit that was not covered in my other class. It looked really hard and confusing. That wasn’t even the worst part. The teacher, Mr. Morris, called on me when I didn’t have my hand raised. I made a complete fool out of myself and the teacher had no sympathy and didn’t explain the correct process.

“This is going to be a long year” I mumbled under my breath.

“It’s really not so bad once you get used to his teaching style” said the boy who sat next to me. He was a tall, red-head with tons of freckles. He was so cute I couldn’t help but blush when he asked me what my name was.

“I’m Savannah. What’s your name?”

“Colin. Where are you…?”

“Colin, why are you talking when I’m talking? It’s really disrespectful.” Mr. Morris fumed.

“I’m sorry Mr. M, I was just trying to help Savannah here with her proof. She was a little confused.”

“Okay as long as your conversation was mathematical.”

I smiled at him as I returned to doodling on my note packet. When the bell rang I quickly gathered my things and headed towards my chemistry class.

“Hey hold up! So where are you from?” Colin asked.

“Near St. Louis. My dad recently got a job change so now we’re on Long Island obviously.”

“Nice. I’ll catch you later”. Then he was off. I couldn’t help but stand there and watch him walk down the long hallway to his next class. Crap I’m going to be late I thought to myself as I snapped out of my day dream.

By lunch time, I was already bogged down with homework. I decided that it would be a good time to get a head start on it as I ate. I figured that I would try to tackle math first. I had to read the problem at least a dozen times in order to understand it.

“Hey Savannah” Colin exclaimed from around the corner.

“Hi. Do you understand the math?”

“As a matter of fact I do. I just finished it during history.” He said with an enthusiastic voice. He seemed to really enjoy math as much as I did.

He explained it extremely well. I couldn’t believe he took ten minutes to explain it perfectly when the teacher took longer than half an hour attempting to introduce the concept to us.

“If you want, we can study after school on Wednesdays. I have an hour to kill each week before swim practice.”

“Sounds good” I replied with a huge grin on my face.

“Colin, I’ve been looking for you everywhere! We need to work on our English skit. It’s due next period” said a girl who looked like she could be a super model.

“Just one second Christine. I’m helping Savannah with her math homework.”

“Oh my, excuse my manners. I’m Christine, Colin’s best friend.”

“Hi” I said shyly. “Thanks for the help Colin!”

“I’ll see you around?” Colin asked.

“Yup see you later.” Crap she’s his “best friend”. Does that mean that they’re dating? I hope not. All these thoughts were traveling through my head for the rest of the day. I wasn’t quite sure what to think of him.

A few weeks later, an interesting announcement was featured on the morning show:

“Attention all students! Next week is the annual Sweetheart Dance. Tickets cost five dollars in advance and seven dollars at the door. This dance is a semi-formal. Put on your good dancing shoes and join us on Saturday February 12.”

This could be an amazing opportunity to finally tell Colin how I feel about him. But this thought was soon crushed. I overheard Christine and her friend Megan talking near the sinks while I remained unnoticed behind the bathroom stall door.

“I can’t believe Colin asked me to the sweetheart dance! I knew we would eventually be more than friends. I was afraid that he would ask that new girl whatever her name is. He seems to really like her” Christine rejoiced.

“Wasn’t her name Sarah or something? She’s really strange, definitely not his type!” Megan joked.

“I know! For awhile it seemed like he was totally into her. He used to help me with my math homework all the time so he could get to know me better. I’m glad that he only appeared to be leading her on. I deserve him more than she does!”

“But what about Chris? Are you still seeing him?”

“Yeah but I’m thinking about breaking up with him now that Colin and I are in item.” Christine replied quickly as the two of them left the bathroom. I quickly walked over to the sink, washed my hands, headed to my locker, quickly gathered my books, and left. I needed time to myself so I could process everything that I had just heard. My pocket vibrated as I headed in the house. I peered down at my phone and noticed that it was Colin who texted me. I deleted the message without reading it as tears filled my eyes. I can’t believe he “led me on.” That’s so rude! I’ll just take extra notes in class so that I will understand the material better.

The next day almost everyone I passed in the hallway was talking about the upcoming sweetheart dance. The whole idea gave me a pit in my stomach. It’s stupid anyway I tried to convince myself. But I couldn’t. I really wanted to go with Colin, however I knew that was no longer an option. But just as I was about to head towards my math class I heard a voice calling my name.

“Savannah, did you get my text last night?” Colin asked.

“Of course” I lied.

“So we’re good right?”

“Um sure I guess”

“That’s good because I didn’t want you to have to wait for me before swim practice if I wasn’t going to be there. Oh by the way, are you going to the dance on Saturday?”

“Nope, I was planning on unpacking my wall decorations and spicing up my new bedroom. I’ve been wanting to do it for weeks but didn’t have the time.”

“Oh well, it’s a lot of fun. I would hate for you to miss it.”

“No its fine…”

“Colin, are we still on for Wednesday afternoon?” Christine interrupted out of the blue.

“Yeah I’ll meet you at Starbucks at three o’clock that way I’ll still make it back in time for practice.”

“I’ll see you later” I said as I walked in to math. Thank goodness there was a seating change. I couldn’t stand sitting next to him any longer. Why did he cancel our weekly plans? I lost a ton of respect for him.

On Saturday evening when my classmates were at the dance, I opened up my box of wall decorations and pulled out my collection of Reba McEntire posters. I hung them up together next to my bed with my favorite one in the center which said “Be different, stand out, and work your butt off”. I’ve always tried to live by this quote. It suits me perfectly because I’m different and I’m proud of it. Next I hung up another poster with a palm tree and another one that said “Live, Laugh, Love.” I then put up different colored paint swatches to see which color would look best. As I looked at the maroon one, I couldn’t help but wonder how Colin was doing at the dance.

                                                ***

“Colin, what’s up with you? I mean you wanted to take me to the dance and now you don’t want to dance? I don’t understand you at all. Do you even love me?”

“Christine, I wanted to go with you as friends. I really like Savannah and I was hoping we would each find someone to dance with when we got here.”

“Are you out of your freaking mind? Why didn’t you ask her then in the first place? I thought you really liked me.”

“I do, it’s just…I chickened out. I couldn’t build up enough confidence to ask her. I really wanted to and we’ve been studying together for weeks, but I still had a hard time asking. You’re my best friend and I was hoping you would understand that we weren’t officially “dating””.

“You really tick me off” Christine cried as she dumped her cup of punch over his head.

“I knew I couldn’t trust you.” Colin barked.

“Oh by the way, I’m seeing someone. Someone who actually gives a crap about me, unlike some people around here.”

“Good thing! We’re done” Colin stated as he grabbed a heart shaped balloon from the punch table and ran out the door to his car and left.

                                                      ***

Two days later, I jumped out of bed, realizing I had missed my alarm. I quickly ate a bowl of cereal, put on a pair of jeans I wore the other day, and grabbed a sweat shirt. I quickly tied up my converse and ran to my bike. To my surprise, I noticed a heart shaped balloon with a note attached to the basket on the front of my bike. The words I’m sorry I chickened out at the last minute and didn’t ask you to the dance. Will you go to a movie with me next weekend to make up for it were written on the folded up piece of white paper. “Of course I will” I answered assuming he could hear me from wherever he was. When I got to my locker and started unpacking my bag, Colin came up to me with a heart shaped box with tootsie rolls in it.

“Look, I’m really sorry about this weekend…”

“No need to explain” as I leaned in and kissed him. I guess moving wasn’t so bad after all!