Before entering my college composition class, I had a hard time getting my thoughts down on paper. I would get frustrated easily because I was constantly dealing with writers block. I signed up for this class expecting that students who struggled with writing would learn how to write an impressive college essay (hence the word college in the name). However, we barely discussed that dreadful paper. Instead we wrote. We wrote our brains out, to the point where I noticed drastic improvement. I’ll always remember when Ms. Basko said “Practice makes perfect. That being said, our goal for this class is to just simply write.”
During class, we took notes on ways to spice up our papers; particularly the introductions and conclusions which have a tendency to be uninteresting or underdeveloped. We read articles and short-stories, and then incorporated the strategies they used in our papers. A few of these strategies include adding humor, personal anecdotes, and history about the topic. We also discussed each of the modes of writing; narrative, descriptive, expository, and persuasive. Expository can even be broken up into several subtopics including definition, cause and effect, process analysis, classification and division, and compare and contrast. We practiced each of these styles of writing with a creative approach. For example, we wrote a paper imagining an encounter with a celebrity of our choosing (narrative).We wrote a character sketch about someone who has made an impact on our lives using the “showing rather than telling” approach (descriptive). Towards the end of the semester, we began inputting our pieces onto a blog website where people could read and leave comments under our work. My blog features four of my well written papers and a detailed reflection of each.
The first paper I included on my blog was my compare and contrast chocolate paper. In class we conducted a taste-test experiment in order to determine which chocolate brand in my opinion was ultimately the best. Each brand had a distinct characteristic that made it stand out. For example, Hershey’s Symphony was lighter in color and sweeter than a plain Hershey bar. We also compared the packaging of the different chocolates. People love chocolate, so brands need to stand out and grab attention, especially in the check-out line.
The second paper I included on my blog was Mr. White and the Seven Youth which included each of the seven deadly sins. I picked seven people from a youth group and changed their name so that it started with the same letter as the sin they represented. I used several examples to show how each person sinned during a typical Sunday school class. I chose a church setting because it is ironic how the sins are present at a holy, weekly gathering.
The third paper I included on my blog was How to Get Out of Writing this Process Analysis Paper. For this particular assignment, we were given a partner to write with. My partner and I let out a huge sigh at first because neither of us had any motivation to write a How-To paper. Then a creative thought occurred to me. I thought it would be quite humorous to write about how to get out of writing this paper. We included several silly strategies such as “scheduling your music lessons during class” and “taking your dog for an unnecessary walk” instead of following through with the assignment.
The final paper I included on my blog was my picture narrative. The story was based on a picture I found of a bicycle with a heart-shaped balloon attached to the handlebars. I had fun creating the plot and morphing elements of my life into it. The main character Savannah and I both enjoy geometry and listening to Reba McEntire. I also tried to imitate my favorite author, Sarah Dessen’s, typical story plot.Her stories usually involve young teenage girls who have difficult situations to face and meet boys who support them and help them work through these issues.
Overall this class has helped me improve my basic writing skills. I’ve noticed that I struggle less with writers’ block, my thoughts flow more smoothly, and I am more creative when it comes to writing short stories. For my participation in government class, we were assigned a research paper on public policy.I chose to write mine on the often debated No Child Left Behind Law. I felt that the final edition sounded fantastic, in part because I had consistently practiced writing in college composition. I want to continue to progress as a writer throughout college. I would recommend this class to anyone who is interested in becoming a improved writer. I truly will miss this class.
The final paper that I would like to revise/get feedback on is my picture paper. This particular paper was fun to write because I found a picture that would be perfect for a novel cover. It’s a picture of a bicycle with a heart shaped balloon attached to the handlebars. My favorite author Sarah Dessen tends to use distinct pictures for her covers and I thought this one was similar to the cover of her latest novel, Enjoy the Ride. I also incorporated many references to my life. Many of the characters are named after people I know and math is the main character Savannah’s favorite subject (just like me!J) Here are a few things I want feedback on:
Could literary elements be added in order to make my story more interesting? – (symbolism, metaphors, etc.)
Does the plot make sense?
Is Colin’s dominant impression clear?
Here is the paper:
I woke up at . My alarm clock, which was set to a random radio station, played an unfamiliar song as I tried to open my eyes. It was just another reminder that I wasn’t at home. Butterflies began to flutter in my stomach. I would be continuing my sophomore year at a brand new, gigantic high school which had an average class size of eight hundred students. That is about eight times the class size of Eastwood High, my old school. I slowly climbed out of bed and began to get ready for the day.
I really didn’t want to move, but I had no choice. My dad is the CEO of a company that makes packaging for a variety of different foods. In order for him to keep his job, he had to transfer to the Long Island headquarters. It would have been better if we managed to move before the school year started. It’s worse being the newbie more than half way through the year. Cliques have long been established. Who would want to hang out with “the weird new girl?”
“Savannah you’re going to be late if you don’t hurry!” my mom called.
Crap I thought as I rummaged around a huge box of shoes for my tie-dyed converse. My mother was standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me with a granola bar in her hand.
“I thought you might be hungry” she said as she kissed me on the forehead. “Have a great day! I’m sure you will.”
“Thanks mom,” I shouted as I ran out the back door to the garage to get my bike. It took about three minutes to get to school, which wasn’t bad. I’m used to long bus rides. When I arrived at school, I locked up my bike and headed to the main office to collect any papers that are usually distributed to transfers.
“May I help you?” asked a pretty, petite blonde haired lady.
“Hi I’m Savannah White. I just moved here from a town near St. Louis.”
“Just one second Savannah, I need to gather up your paper work.” As she walked away I noticed a glass dish filled with tootsie rolls on a small table in the corner. I grabbed one and devoured it in seconds. I was starving!
“Okay sweetheart, here’s your schedule and a map in case you have trouble locating any of your rooms. The school code of conduct needs to be signed by you and a parent and returned to me as soon as possible, preferably tomorrow. If you need anything or have any questions don’t be hesitant to ask. Have a great day!”
“Thanks for all the help.” Wow I thought. I can’t believe how friendly the people are here. I quickly glanced down at my schedule to see what I had first period. I jumped for joy when I found out that I had geometry first period. I loved the class I had at the beginning of the year. My teacher made learning fun and I received an A on almost every unit test.
I spoke too soon I thought to myself. I entered the room as a mono-toned teacher was giving a lecture about how a majority of the class missed the six point proof on the quiz. When I looked up at the board, I noticed that they were in a unit that was not covered in my other class. It looked really hard and confusing. That wasn’t even the worst part. The teacher, Mr. Morris, called on me when I didn’t have my hand raised. I made a complete fool out of myself and the teacher had no sympathy and didn’t explain the correct process.
“This is going to be a long year” I mumbled under my breath.
“It’s really not so bad once you get used to his teaching style” said the boy who sat next to me. He was a tall, red-head with tons of freckles. He was so cute I couldn’t help but blush when he asked me what my name was.
“I’m Savannah. What’s your name?”
“Colin. Where are you…?”
“Colin, why are you talking when I’m talking? It’s really disrespectful.” Mr. Morris fumed.
“I’m sorry Mr. M, I was just trying to help Savannah here with her proof. She was a little confused.”
“Okay as long as your conversation was mathematical.”
I smiled at him as I returned to doodling on my note packet. When the bell rang I quickly gathered my things and headed towards my chemistry class.
“Hey hold up! So where are you from?” Colin asked.
“Near St. Louis. My dad recently got a job change so now we’re on Long Island obviously.”
“Nice. I’ll catch you later”. Then he was off. I couldn’t help but stand there and watch him walk down the long hallway to his next class. Crap I’m going to be late I thought to myself as I snapped out of my day dream.
By lunch time, I was already bogged down with homework. I decided that it would be a good time to get a head start on it as I ate. I figured that I would try to tackle math first. I had to read the problem at least a dozen times in order to understand it.
“Hey Savannah” Colin exclaimed from around the corner.
“Hi. Do you understand the math?”
“As a matter of fact I do. I just finished it during history.” He said with an enthusiastic voice. He seemed to really enjoy math as much as I did.
He explained it extremely well. I couldn’t believe he took ten minutes to explain it perfectly when the teacher took longer than half an hour attempting to introduce the concept to us.
“If you want, we can study after school on Wednesdays. I have an hour to kill each week before swim practice.”
“Sounds good” I replied with a huge grin on my face.
“Colin, I’ve been looking for you everywhere! We need to work on our English skit. It’s due next period” said a girl who looked like she could be a super model.
“Just one second Christine. I’m helping Savannah with her math homework.”
“Oh my, excuse my manners. I’m Christine, Colin’s best friend.”
“Hi” I said shyly. “Thanks for the help Colin!”
“I’ll see you around?” Colin asked.
“Yup see you later.” Crap she’s his “best friend”. Does that mean that they’re dating? I hope not. All these thoughts were traveling through my head for the rest of the day. I wasn’t quite sure what to think of him.
A few weeks later, an interesting announcement was featured on the morning show:
“Attention all students! Next week is the annual Sweetheart Dance. Tickets cost five dollars in advance and seven dollars at the door. This dance is a semi-formal. Put on your good dancing shoes and join us on Saturday February 12.”
This could be an amazing opportunity to finally tell Colin how I feel about him. But this thought was soon crushed. I overheard Christine and her friend Megan talking near the sinks while I remained unnoticed behind the bathroom stall door.
“I can’t believe Colin asked me to the sweetheart dance! I knew we would eventually be more than friends. I was afraid that he would ask that new girl whatever her name is. He seems to really like her” Christine rejoiced.
“Wasn’t her name Sarah or something? She’s really strange, definitely not his type!” Megan joked.
“I know! For awhile it seemed like he was totally into her. He used to help me with my math homework all the time so he could get to know me better. I’m glad that he only appeared to be leading her on. I deserve him more than she does!”
“But what about Chris? Are you still seeing him?”
“Yeah but I’m thinking about breaking up with him now that Colin and I are in item.” Christine replied quickly as the two of them left the bathroom. I quickly walked over to the sink, washed my hands, headed to my locker, quickly gathered my books, and left. I needed time to myself so I could process everything that I had just heard. My pocket vibrated as I headed in the house. I peered down at my phone and noticed that it was Colin who texted me. I deleted the message without reading it as tears filled my eyes. I can’t believe he “led me on.” That’s so rude! I’ll just take extra notes in class so that I will understand the material better.
The next day almost everyone I passed in the hallway was talking about the upcoming sweetheart dance. The whole idea gave me a pit in my stomach. It’s stupid anyway I tried to convince myself. But I couldn’t. I really wanted to go with Colin, however I knew that was no longer an option. But just as I was about to head towards my math class I heard a voice calling my name.
“Savannah, did you get my text last night?” Colin asked.
“Of course” I lied.
“So we’re good right?”
“Um sure I guess”
“That’s good because I didn’t want you to have to wait for me before swim practice if I wasn’t going to be there. Oh by the way, are you going to the dance on Saturday?”
“Nope, I was planning on unpacking my wall decorations and spicing up my new bedroom. I’ve been wanting to do it for weeks but didn’t have the time.”
“Oh well, it’s a lot of fun. I would hate for you to miss it.”
“No its fine…”
“Colin, are we still on for Wednesday afternoon?” Christine interrupted out of the blue.
“Yeah I’ll meet you at Starbucks at that way I’ll still make it back in time for practice.”
“I’ll see you later” I said as I walked in to math. Thank goodness there was a seating change. I couldn’t stand sitting next to him any longer. Why did he cancel our weekly plans? I lost a ton of respect for him.
On Saturday evening when my classmates were at the dance, I opened up my box of wall decorations and pulled out my collection of Reba McEntire posters. I hung them up together next to my bed with my favorite one in the center which said “Be different, stand out, and work your butt off”. I’ve always tried to live by this quote. It suits me perfectly because I’m different and I’m proud of it. Next I hung up another poster with a palm tree and another one that said “Live, Laugh, Love.” I then put up different colored paint swatches to see which color would look best. As I looked at the maroon one, I couldn’t help but wonder how Colin was doing at the dance.
***
“Colin, what’s up with you? I mean you wanted to take me to the dance and now you don’t want to dance? I don’t understand you at all. Do you even love me?”
“Christine, I wanted to go with you as friends. I really like Savannah and I was hoping we would each find someone to dance with when we got here.”
“Are you out of your freaking mind? Why didn’t you ask her then in the first place? I thought you really liked me.”
“I do, it’s just…I chickened out. I couldn’t build up enough confidence to ask her. I really wanted to and we’ve been studying together for weeks, but I still had a hard time asking. You’re my best friend and I was hoping you would understand that we weren’t officially “dating””.
“You really tick me off” Christine cried as she dumped her cup of punch over his head.
“I knew I couldn’t trust you.” Colin barked.
“Oh by the way, I’m seeing someone. Someone who actually gives a crap about me, unlike some people around here.”
“Good thing! We’re done” Colin stated as he grabbed a heart shaped balloon from the punch table and ran out the door to his car and left.
***
Two days later, I jumped out of bed, realizing I had missed my alarm. I quickly ate a bowl of cereal, put on a pair of jeans I wore the other day, and grabbed a sweat shirt. I quickly tied up my converse and ran to my bike. To my surprise, I noticed a heart shaped balloon with a note attached to the basket on the front of my bike. The words I’m sorry I chickened out at the last minute and didn’t ask you to the dance. Will you go to a movie with me next weekend to make up for it were written on the folded up piece of white paper. “Of course I will” I answered assuming he could hear me from wherever he was. When I got to my locker and started unpacking my bag, Colin came up to me with a heart shaped box with tootsie rolls in it.
“Look, I’m really sorry about this weekend…”
“No need to explain” as I leaned in and kissed him. I guess moving wasn’t so bad after all!
When our group was assigned to compose a "how-to" paper, we had no idea what to write about. We had trouble agreeing on a topic that would be both informative and humorous. We also had no motivation to write this boring paper. That is when a creative thought occurred to me; the topic of our paper should be how to get out of writing this paper! I am a huge procrastinator and I know countless ways to waste time. A few strategies we included were "Make college composition your social hour," and "Make sure music lessons are always ninth period". When we reread our paper today, we were in an agreement that not much needed to be changed. However, we forgot to include a conclusion. If we had the chance to revise our work, we would conclude our writing by encouraging the reader to take our advice and simply not follow through with the assignment. :)
How to get out of Writing This Process Analysis Paper
Often enough, students in school will do whatever possible to get out of an assignment. In this particular situation, our goal is to write a paper on process analysis. Just like a majority of students, we have little to no interest in writing this paper. However Mrs. Basko is forcing us to. So, in the future maybe the following suggestions will assist you in successfully getting out of writing.
Procrastinate
This is the most creative way to spend your time not writing the paper.
Make College Composition your social hour. Perhaps your close friends are only in this class.
Attempt to listen to your music as you work…
Take your dog on an unnecessary walk.
Check your facebook for the fiftieth time.
Get your holiday shopping done.
Make sure music lessons are always 9th period
Music is your number one priority, especially when auditions or recitals are coming up.
And if its not…. Make up your lesson this period.
Someone calls you out of class
Let’s face it, you’re just that popular.
Have your friend look up the number of a classroom and call it during class.
Do something stupid so the administrator will come looking for you.
Fake being sick
All people get sick from time to time.
Wake up late at night go into your parents room and tell them you feel sick.
Spend a lot of time in the bathroom in order to convince your parents to let you stay home.
Claim you have a horrible headache and go to the nurse and don’t come back.
Forgot your flash drive
After all, your flash drive contains all your saved work.
·Walk into class screaming. When your teacher asks what’s wrong, claim that you forgot your flash drive.
·Somehow break your flash drive and prove to your teacher that it isn’t functioning properly by plugging it into the computer.
Printers not working
Technology these days seriously!
Tell your teacher letting her know that your computer and printer are not working properly and that your parents most likely wont replace them until after the holidays.
Here are a few ways I could change up the conclusion to my seven deadly sins paper.
I first experimented with an evaluation of the importance of my essay’s subject:
As they enter the sanctuary and take a seat in their usual pew, each of the seven youth group members attempt to eliminate any signs of the sinning that occurred earlier on that morning. They don’t want to have a bad reputation and they certainly do not want the older folks to think they are a bunch of crazy, immature teenagers. Gregory Gluttony, Garret Greed, Peter Pride, Lucy Lust, Elena Envy, Seth Sloth, and William Wrath all sit back, relax, and listen to the preacher intently.
Then I thought of a cleaver way of presenting a
suggestion that could end the conflict in my youth group:
Gregory Gluttony, Garret Greed, Peter Pride, Lucy Lust, Elena Envy, Seth Sloth, and William Wrath file into their usual pew and listen to the preacher intently. If only they knew that attending church was not the only responsibility of being a good Christian. They should try their hardest to be better people; people who live by the principles of respect, love, responsibility, hard-work, and kindness. If they each carry on these traits, then perhaps Sunday school would be an enjoyable learning experience as opposed to an informal social hour.
When I first read “All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at Church Bake Sale,” a few months ago, I thought the title seemed quite ironic. Who knew that the seven deadly sins would be present at a saintly church gathering? This immediately sparked an idea in my head. A few weeks prior to reading this paper, I had conflict present in my youth group. I felt like I was not fitting in because people were not acknowledging my presence. I tried to include myself, but they seemed to make it clear they didn’t want me around. I do not really know why. I thought this paper was the perfect opportunity to relieve stress. At first I struggled with organizing the paper. I did not know whether or not to write a paragraph on each sin or to go through the church school routine and include how the members sinned. I chose the second way. Matching the person to the sin was easy for me. I know the people well because I have been attending the same church since I was three and I know their “blind spots”. I tried to include many specific details to describe how each person fits their classified sin. When I read my draft again yesterday, I realized that there is no need to change anything. I matched a sin to seven members in my youth group and changed their name such that the first letter of their name was the same as the sin they were representing. I included many circumstances describing how each character sinned (eating doughnuts, the lesson, and four square). For example, "As he began to read aloud, Lucy pulls out a tiny pocket mirror from her fancy, shiny Dolce and Gabbana Purse and reapplies mascara. At this point she is practically sprawled out across Garret and Seth’s laps." Obviously, Lucy does not care enough about what is being taught in class and is only focused on her personal matters. I also made sure that each sin was evenly distributed; meaning that not one sin was mentioned more than the other. I truly feel that this piece perfectly describes a typical Sunday morning. I spent more time on this draft than I have on any of the other drafts I have written this year. It has defiantly helped me relieve my anger for sure. Here is my paper:
Mr. White and the Seven Youth
A typical youth group Sunday school class begins with yummy doughnuts and a life lesson based on the bible. For the remaining half hour, they practice their four square skills. On the floor of the youth group room, there is a large square with four alternating red and black tiles that was purposely placed there because of their love of the game. When all is said and done, they will head upstairs for the church service. Seems like a great way to spend a Sunday morning right? Think again.
Mr. White, the Sunday school instructor, enters the youth group room carrying a box of doughnuts and his personal bible with sticky notes marking the passages that will be covered in the lesson that day. The sound of teenage stomachs growling fills the room as Mr. White sets the doughnuts down on the counter. He then heads over to the other end of the room, and writes down today’s topic on the white board easel.
Of course Gregory is the first one to approach the box. He grabs a glazed doughnut with chocolate frosting and a powdered jelly filled. “Don’t take the custard filled,” shouts Garret as he sprints over to the box. Garret absolutely hates when people try to take his all-time favorite flavor. Custard filled unfortunately tends to be the most favored amongst all of the members.
A short while later Lucy arrives fashionably late and gracefully walks on her tip toes to the doughnut box and grabs a cinnamon sugar doughnut. “Lucy, could you ever be so kind enough as to grab me a cruller?” whispers a voice coming from the comfy leather couch. “Sure thing Seth,” she responds sweetly. She reaches her recently manicured hand into the box and grabs the last cruller. “Ow my feet hurt so freaking badly! I knew I shouldn’t have worn my new heels today,” she complains as she approached the couch. Her bright pink blouse looks slightly loose and she continuously has to hold down her shirt as she bends over. Because her hands are full, there is no way of preventing her shirt from falling open. “Here Seth,” she says thoughtfully.
Meanwhile Elena sits in the green chair, with her arms crossed, across from the couch Seth is currently lying on. She does not appreciate how Lucy can grab the attention of every guy in the room. Disgusted by what just happened, she waltzes over to the box and grabs one of the few remaining doughnuts and sits on a different couch to talk to Garret.
Peter enters the room shortly after with his keys jingling in his hands. “Hey everyone!” he exclaims as he gracefully walks to the doughnut box. He carefully cuts a glazed doughnut in half and leaves the second half for someone else. Gregory sees this from the corner of his eye and heads back up for thirds.
“Dude, that was like your fiftieth doughnut,” William points out and then continues to text. His comment seems rather unnecessary. He is not even hungry in the first place.
“Folks lets gather around for our weekly lesson,” Mr. White suggests. “Let’s all turn to page 401 and begin reading the first two paragraphs. Who would like to read?”
“I will since no one else ever volunteers,” Peter responds.
As he began to read aloud, Lucy pulls out a tiny pocket mirror from her fancy, shiny Dolce and Gabbana Purse and reapplies mascara. At this point she is practically sprawled out across Garret and Seth’s laps. Seth is dozing and almost unaware that Lucy is laying on him. If Seth isn’t sleeping, he’s texting his friends about his outstanding play at the football game the night before.Garret is texting his girlfriend and counting the money he has in his wallet, making sure he has more than enough money to take her out to a movie and dinner later. Peter looks up occasionally as he reads, noticing his peers’ body language, sniffs at the disrespectfulness and continues on.
“What was that for?” William Wrath sneers.
“I’m just getting over a sinus infection and occasionally I have trouble breathing through my nose,” Peter lies arrogantly.
“Okay let’s continue on shall we?” Mr. White utters. Peter then again returns to reading the passage. Meanwhile Elena tries to focus, but can’t help but notice Lucy’s poor behavior. “Why can’t Garret pay attention to me sometimes?” She says to herself.
“Who would like to paraphrase this particular passage?” Mr. White asks.
There is no reply. It is so silent that you could hear a pin drop. Mr. White sighs and shares his interpretation with the rest of the group.
During this opportunity for discussion, Gregory is sitting on a neon green rocking chair with crumbs scattered on his shirt and a blob of chocolate frosting on the tip of his nose.
“Okay so that sums up what I wanted to talk to you about today,” Mr. White concludes.
“Time for four square,” Garret shouts enthusiastically as he runs over to the closet to grab the ball.
At this point everyone except Gregory and Seth run over to the large square.
“I want to stand in the king square first,” Garret Greed announces.
“Fine, but let’s see how long you stay in the game,” William nags.
Lucy hits the ball into Garret’s square and then Garret hits it into William’s square. William tries to spike it, but it lands out of bounds.
“Dude, you’re out,” Peter claims.
“Nuh uh. Did u see the way Garret hit it? It was a horrible shot,” William argues.
“I totally just saw that play and you’re out,” Gregory observes.
“Whatever. You suck!” William snaps as he heads to the back of the line.
“Yes! Now I can be in the king square,” Peter boasts as he enters the game.He then picks up the ball and bounces it into Garret’s square. Garret, quickly trying to retrieve it, misses.
“VICTORY” Peter exclaims.
“Really Peter? Really?” Garret snaps as he goes over to the couch to keep Seth company.
“I’m the champion of this game,” Peter brags as Elena takes Garret’s spot. Peter throws the ball into Elena’s square. She misses the ball and trips over it.
“Ugh, I suck at this game,” she states.
“That’s mucho embarrassing,” William snidely points out as Elena heads to the back of the line for the umpteenth time.
“Guys its five of. We should probably start heading upstairs,” Mr. White announces.
At this point everyone freezes. Garret sprints over to the closet and puts the four square ball into a box. Seth creeps over to the fridge to grab a coke so he can stay awake during the service. Lucy, noticing a button came undone, buttons up her shirt and looks at herself in the bathroom mirror to make sure she has enough foundation on to cover up the acne on her forehead. Garret replies to his girlfriend via texting with a quick “I love you”, turns off his phone, and catches up to Lucy grabbing her arm. Gregory begins to head up the stairs shortly after.
“Dude you look like Rudolf the Brown Nosed Reindeer,” William points out indicating that the chocolate frosting was still present on his face.
“Hold up Gregory. I’ll get it off for you,” Lucy giggles as she heads over to the sink to get a wet paper towel. She gracefully wipes his nose and smiles.
“He is totally capable of doing that himself,” William storms. He shakes his head and begins to text as he walks up to service. Surprisingly he does not loose his footing as he attempts to do these things simultaneously.
“Good morning!” the ushers greet as they pass out the bulletins to each of the seven youth. They enter the sanctuary with a smile on each of their faces. Gregory Gluttony, Garret Greed, Peter Pride, Lucy Lust, Elena Envy, Seth Sloth, and William Wrath file into their usual pew and listen to the preacher intently. How ironic!
The first introduction I came up with included a brief reference to the short-story "No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch," which we read during class a few weeks back. I also gave a brief summary of the food comparison assignment we completed that modeled this story. I concluded my introduction saying that I'm not a chocoholic and that I had wished that my group had the opportunity to sample chips instead. This post will feature two new potential introductions that could help enhance my piece.
I thought it would be exciting to include a fact or statistic about that chocolate that would stand out to the reader.
A few medical studies conclude that eating chocolate in moderation can help prolong your life by lowering the chances of getting blood clots and by fighting cholesterol. There's a reason to not to worry about the amount of chocolate you eat. All chocolate seems to be extremely sweet and has the ability to melt in your mouth. However each brand has a different ingredient that helps it stand out. In addition each brands' packaging have similar qualities.
I also thought a reference to a famous movie would capture the readers' attention.
As mentioned in the film Forrest Gump "Life is like a box of chocolates." In many cases it is; life can be sweet and at other times life can be bitter depending on the circumstances. Moods can be compared to different brands of chocolate. Different brands include different ingredients that help their product stand out. They also have many similar characteristics as well.
Unfortunately, I ran out of time to come up with a third.
In order to begin drafting my chocolate food paper, I had to compare and contrast various brands of chocolate based on their taste, texture in my mouth, smell, and wrapper design. Originally when I found out that my particular group was assigned chocolate, I was semi disappointed because I tend to prefer a salty snack like chips or pretzels. However I was able to still participate and share my ideas. I struggled with writing this piece at first because I wasn't sure which information to include. I found an article about how chocolate transformed from a bitter drink to a chunk of candy and I wanted to include it in my paper. I also had to find a way to tie this information to the purpose of writing the piece and to the observations I made during the experiment. I enjoyed learning about the discovery of the cocoa bean and how the Spanish Conquistadors brought it to their native country in order to create delicious recipes. I used descriptive language, details, history, and a brief description of the purpose of the experiment in my first draft.
When I re-read my draft, I realized that I was quite descriptive especially when I was explaining the transposing of chocolate from a religious ceremonial drink to a small enjoyable chunk. For example, I wrote "Their definition of chocolate was not the same as ours. The earliest form was a special drink that was used in religious rituals. This drink was anything beyond sweet. It was a bitter concoction containing chili peppers and mixed cornmeal. This recipe was eventually introduced to Europe in 1521 through the Spanish Conquistadors. It continued to be used in religious ceremonies. Eventually the Spaniards experimented with cinnamon and sugar in order to sweeten the drink." I feel that I could have used better transitions between paragraphs. In addition, I feel like I could have added more detail about the observations I made during the taste-testing. That was after all the primary purpose of writing this piece. This might be hard for me to revise because, being the non-chocoholic person that I am, I did not eat each brand. I got tired of the taste and they each started to taste the same to me. I sort of went off on a tangent about the history. History can be featured in the paper, however it should not have been the main purpose of the piece.
My partner seemed to like the title "Chocolate: An International Delight," that I came up with yesterday during class because my paper included a lot of history about how chocolate's popularity spread out throughout Europe. She thought my introduction was interesting because I included background information about why we were conducting the experiment. Based on my introduction, my partner stated that the reader should be expecting to read about the comparing and contrasting of various chocolate brands. She also said that my introduction was perfect length-wise.
All in all, I feel like I need to expand more on the compare and contrast aspect of the piece. I could use more descriptive language and thoroughly distinguish the different varieties of chocolate. I could include a personal definition of chocolate and a dictionary definition. By adding these techniques, my paper flow smoother.
Here is the original copy of my rough draft.
“The Chocolate Comparison Experiment”
A few weeks ago in my college composition class, we read a short-story called “No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch,” which was about a food critic who taste-tested various types and brands of dog food. She incorporated descriptive language throughout the course of the piece to demonstrate how disgusting the texture and taste were. My teacher, Mrs. Basko, decided that it would be a great idea to try our own food experiment and write an expository piece on the results. We debated which kind of food would be fun to eat and critique. Pizza, ice cream, cereal, chocolate, cookies, and chips were among the top choices. Mrs. Basko divided our class into three groups and each of these groups received a different food to observe. My group got to compare different brands of chocolate. I’m not a chocoholic. In fact, I would much rather prefer to eat something salty; chips, popcorn, and pretzels are fantastic. However, I was extremely hungry and was satisfied with what I had.
The very first thing I noticed was the decorative packaging of the various chocolate bars. They all seemed to have a dark brown background (most likely representing the color of chocolate) with a contrasting bright color for the printed letters (blue or red). Chocolate companies design wrappers so that they catch the eyes of people as they stand in the checkout line at the grocery store. As my group opened up each of the chocolate packages, we observed that each of the individual pieces of chocolate were wrapped up in flashing gold or silver thin paper. This was most likely done for a purpose as well. Another thing I noticed about the chocolate wrapper is that the individual mini Dove chocolates contained a quote at the bottom of the wrapper. The one wrapper from the chocolate I ate had “Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses.” Dove would like the consumer to have a positive outlook on life after their chocolate experience.
Even though chocolate wasn’t my number one choice to taste test, it still tasted fantastic. Each of the various chocolate brands had some elements in common. For instance they tasted sweet, felt smooth, and were light brown. However, each product had a unique characteristic. For instance Godiva seemed especially creamy and the fun-sized Dove chocolates seemed to taste richer (similar to dark chocolate) then Godiva and Hershey’s Symphony seemed by far the sweetest and was light in color.
The cacao beans that are used to make this delightful substance were first discovered two thousand years ago in the tropical rain forests of Central America. Among the first people to make chocolate were the Mayans. Their definition of chocolate was not the same as ours. The earliest form was a special drink that was used in religious rituals. This drink was anything beyond sweet. It was a bitter concoction containing chili peppers and mixed cornmeal. This recipe was eventually introduced to Europe in 1521 through the Spanish Conquistadors. It continued to be used in religious ceremonies. Eventually the Spaniards experimented with cinnamon and sugar in order to sweeten the drink. Because the imported cacao beans were quite expensive, the only people who could afford them were wealthy. Chocolate at this time was often a sign of royalty and power. Europeans designed special porcelain and silver utensils to serve chocolate. One was lucky if they got to consume this chocolaty goodness.
At the end of the 18th Century, the Industrial Revolution greatly changed the way of producing goods. This was the time period where chocolate began to be more affordable for the average person. The invention of the steam engine made it possible to grind up cacao beans and produce chocolate quickly and cheaply. Other inventions such as the cacao press enabled the smooth, creamy, and chocolaty taste to come alive! Today cacao beans are still grown in equatorial climates and are farmed on plantations.
Not only did I think this experience was fun, I also took a lot away from our chocolate comparisons. I realized a lot of work needs to be done in order for the consumer to really enjoy the finished product; plantation farming, shipping, producing, and designing the label. In addition each company must invent some sort of quirk in order to distinguish their chocolate and brace themselves for the competition. It was an enjoyable learning experience and each time I eat a piece of chocolate, I will remember how much work goes into just a tiny morsel.
Here's a copy of my revised draft! I took out the portion on history that was irrelevant to the assignment and tweaked the introduction.
Chocolate: An International Delight
A few weeks ago in my college composition class, we read a short-story titled “No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch,” which was about a food critic who taste-tested various brands of dog food. She incorporated descriptive language throughout the course of the piece to demonstrate how disgusting the texture and taste were. My teacher, Mrs. Basko, decided that it would be a great idea to try our own food experiment and write a compare and contrast piece on the results. We debated which kind of food would be fun to eat and critique. Pizza, ice cream, cereal, chocolate, cookies, and chips were among the top choices. Mrs. Basko divided our class into three groups and each of these groups received a different food to observe. My group got to compare different brands of chocolate. I’m not a chocoholic. In fact, I would much rather prefer to eat something salty; chips, popcorn, and pretzels are fantastic. However, I was extremely hungry and was satisfied with what I had.
The very first thing I noticed was the decorative packaging of the various chocolate bars. They all seemed to have a dark brown background (most likely representing the color of chocolate) with a contrasting bright color for the printed letters (blue or red). Chocolate companies design wrappers so that they catch the eyes of people as they stand in the checkout line at the grocery store. As my group opened up each of the chocolate packages, we observed that each of the individual pieces of chocolate were wrapped up in flashing gold or silver thin paper. This was most likely done for a purpose as well. Another thing I noticed about the chocolate wrapper is that the individual mini Dove chocolates contained a quote at the bottom of the wrapper. The one wrapper from the chocolate I ate had “Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses.” Dove would like the consumer to have a positive outlook on life after their chocolate experience.
Even though chocolate wasn’t my number one choice to taste test, it still tasted alright. Each of the various chocolate brands had some elements in common. For instance they tasted sweet, felt smooth, and were light brown. However, each product had a unique characteristic. For instance Godiva seemed especially creamy and the fun-sized Dove chocolates seemed to taste richer (similar to dark chocolate). Godiva and Hershey’s Symphony seemed by far the sweetest and was the lightest in color. For those reasons, Hershey’s Symphony was my favorite.
Not only did I think this experience was fun, I also took a lot away from our chocolate comparisons. Each company must invent some sort of quirk and distinguish their recipe in order to distinguish their chocolate and brace themselves for the competition. They must also design a label that will catch the eyes of the consumer and cause them to have a craving for their product. It was an enjoyable learning experience and each time I eat a piece of chocolate, I will remember how much work goes into just a tiny, delicious morsel.
